Boundaries are your ‘line in the sand’ which you and only you, are in charge of. We can have a need to form boundaries in all contexts of life from work to relationships, career to personal growth. Boundaries keep you on track, they are your guide, think of them like your terms and conditions. It is as important to be clear about what you are prepared to do as well as what you are not.
From working with clients and practitioners, boundaries are essential for embedding behavioural change. It’s all very well graduating from the training or finding a new perspective from coaching, the real work begins after you walk out of the room (or off the screen) to maintain.
When working on changing lifestyle for example weight loss, once you get to your goal, the real focus is on maintaining it, this requires as much or even more focus and commitment, than making the change itself. New boundaries are needed.
Boundaries are important in work and career, for example when making decisions about working hours, are your boundaries clear and who gate keeps them?
Boundaries aren’t just about keeping things out, they can be about keeping things in. In Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), they are key. If you make the change you want and don’t protect your change, those old unresourceful patterns can slide back in.
Here are a series of tips for installing, enforcing and reviewing boundaries.
Set your frame
In NLP, lasting change requires the right ‘ecology’ in other words it must be a win-win for you and your environment. This means your environment supports your behaviour. Boundaries are at the heart of this.
Future pacing: We want to avoid being reactive and waiting for your boundaries to be crossed to then defend them. Be proactive instead. You can do this by mentally rehearsing upcoming situations and scenarios. Start by visualising possible situations where you need a boundary and then work on how you will handle it.
Mind your language: Change your language from “I am trying to set a boundary” to “I have set boundaries to protect my focus”
Precise Language: The Power of “Yes” and “No”
Saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ can be used either positively or negatively.
Say ‘yes to embrace the positive’! You can use saying ‘yes’ more often to embrace the positive. It is a great way to open more doors and push yourself out of your comfort zone to explore you.
The price of saying ‘yes’: Saying ‘yes’ more often than you wish to, can add more pressure to self and others. Consider your intention behind the saying yes’ you might want to ask yourself “For what purpose am I saying yes” to work this out. Is it for yourself or perhaps it’s for others?
Saying yes more than you wish to can lead to more. This can be positive and negative depending upon the context. If for example it is in the workplace or in relationships it can link to raising or lowering self-esteem (how often have you said to yourself “wish I hadn’t said yes, why didn’t I say no citing a justifiable reason? as you feel frustrated or de-energised”).
In general, saying yes more often than we might want to can highlight our inability to say no. This all leads to placing ourselves at the back of the queue or at the bottom of the pile of value.
Your words form your reality. Vague language and therefore vague boundaries lead to vague results. We absolutely do not want this!
Calibrate your language: It might be as simple as increasing your frequency of the amount of times you use “yes” or a definitive “no.”
Take out the softeners: Notice if you apologise when setting a boundary (e.g. “I’m sorry, but I can’t…”*). In NLP, we aim for congruence. Here is an example “To keep my focus on [X], I am saying ‘no’ to extra tasks this week.”
Enforcing Boundaries
We all know that ‘there is no failure, only feedback’. Every time you actively enforce a boundary, you are running a strategy or pattern to reinforce new behaviour.
Reminder of progress: Enforcing a boundary is a real-time anchor. It proves to your neurology that your progress is real.
Know your limits: Saying no can be a declaration of self-respect and authenticity. It demonstrates to yourself and others that you know your limits and respect your needs.
Be positively selfish: Saying no is like putting up a “Do Not Disturb” sign on your mental and emotional space. It’s not about being selfish; it’s self-care to be positively selfish by prioritising your needs. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty glass. Saying “no” helps enforce your boundaries. You are putting yourself first when it matters most for you and only you can do this. You can also use the act of saying “no” as a sensory trigger to go straight to your current goals.
Reduce People Pleasing: You Are Worth It!
For what purpose and to whom are you saying ‘yes’ to and regretting it? How often do you catch yourself saying ‘yes’ in those situations? Saying ‘no’ liberates you from the pressure to please everyone else. It’s an act of empowerment, a gentle reminder that your worth isn’t tied to constantly saying yes. (If you are saying ‘yes’ to expand your boundaries then continue to explore!)
“Yes but, No but”: It’s a good thing to avoid using the word ‘but’. Have you ever been on the receiving end of “I would like to help but…”? ‘But’ is unhelpful as it negates everything said previously, so replace it with ‘and’ for a positive result (no cheating with substitutes such as ‘yet’ and ‘however’ either). The more conscious you get about using the word ‘but’, the more you can catch yourself and use ‘and’ instead. Give it a go and see how that impacts you and how you feel?
Own your time: Your time is so precious. Saying ‘no’ to things that don’t align with your goals or values, frees up space for the things that really matter. Embrace the power of prioritising you. How does that sound, look and feel as you say that to yourself?
Practice Saying “No, thank you…” Give a reason if it’s appropriate, explain why you are unable to. (Remember you are not using the word ‘but’). Theres only one way to do this, so try it out. How does it feel? The journey to self-empowerment starts here. Let’s take ownership and embrace the power of no, make it yours and start to use it with purpose and intention. You’ve got this!
Track your results: Treat boundaries as mile posts. If you feel energised, your boundaries are working. If you feel drained, the boundary needs reviewing.
An Ecology Check: Review and further Refine
A boundary that served you in the past may be limiting you today. In NLP we focus on flexibility of behaviour (The Law of Requisite Variety – person with the most flexibility of behaviour controls the system).
Run an audit from time to time: Ask yourself: “Is this boundary still keeping me on track where I want to be, or has it turned into a barrier preventing me from moving further?”
Update your rules: If a boundary has become defensive originating from old fears (of what you don’t want) rather than more towards positive growth, you need to consciously rewrite the boundary.
Summary
Boundaries are a feedback loop of your self-worth. They remind you and your unconscious mind telling those around you what your progress is worth. By keeping on top of them and being comfortable in enforcing them, you can use them to build the environment you need to grow.
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